Sed... Amor Omnis Est! (Pars Duo Duorum)

BUT…Love is Everything! (Part Two of Two)

“Monogamy is my favourite hardwood.” - Reive Doig

How many partners we should have is not the end of the argument, though. No matter if you practice monogamy (how can you get good at it if you don’t practice?), polyamory or something in between, you still need to find and keep each partner. And that’s the interesting bit: whether you say goodbye when things get hard or work through it, whether you jump right in because you just know, whether you're waiting or searching or discovering...it's all about Destiny and Growth (click for the quiz!)

There's some attempt to keep the argumentation here logical, but talking about romance and reproductive strategy means I'm gonna have to use the word "I".

There are two tracks of thinking about your romantic life, your belief in "the one" and your belief in "working for it". And these beliefs sometimes don't line up the way you'd expect. They're not two end points on a continuum, they're two distinct lines that intersect. Because immediate compatibility and inclination towards effort aren't mutually exclusive.

I, personally, think "soulmate" is a ridiculous, useless word...and that's after almost five years with a person that said "...I can tell things are going to be different with you" the first time we slept together. Slowly I, too, could see a difference; I don't believe in destiny but I certainly think there aren't a lot of personalities that I can put up with long enough to have a real relationship.

Eventually I was told, "I don't fall often, but when I do I fall fast and I fall hard." I also felt by then that we were a compatible pair; I had the traits he needed, he had the traits I needed. We could be great, like Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet...other pairs that had killed themselves. Though I had no interest in following the vision of the great artists quite that far. I began to think I didn't have to work quite so hard in this relationship.

...And then he fell fast and he fell hard for someone else.

The reasoning is clear. Believing in compatibility as a reason for love means believing that there are a lot of people that are perfect for you. And that means you'll meet more than one at a time.
But, while it was not what I was ready for (because the falling entails wooing, and I am a spoiled brat that was no longer being wooed), and I stopped getting that "perfect for me" vibe for a while...we both were, and always will be, ready to work to fix and keep what we have.

So, all those pontificators saying "polys are so much more realistic about needs" without realising you're sometimes also saying "I need this person because we click"...shut up.
All of you monogamists, however, that think "they're the one" until they stop "working for you" and you divorce, you can shut up too.

Be ready to love, if you can be ready to love anyone that suits you...and if you can't give your love away to everyone who wants it, don't keep it hidden from the one who needs it.

Pars Unus Duorum

Part One of Two

"Relationship types are like pasta sauce. Everyone has a different recipe and everyone thinks theirs is best"–Reive Doig

What is this myth of the right relationship?  We have human brains now, after all, and Fight or F*ck just doesn’t seem to apply, anymore. There must be something to guide us in perfecting our reproductive and romantic strategies. Other primate species have it set in stone, it seems, based on their testes size . Bonobos have no worries that they’ll reproduce, with the extreme amount of sperm they create, nor do Gorillas, since everyone knows the Silverback’s got it made. But with “moderate sized” testicles packed between each set of cis-male legs, what are we supposed to assume about love and sex and relationship structure?

And I’m not just talking monogamy vs polyamory, either. That’s a blog topic that’s been done enough . And the literature that seem to be proposing sexual freedom is forgoing one very important point. One I’ve already made: we have human brains. We have differing cultures and thousands of years of adaptation and social expectations that surround us as we grow, which means there cannot be one right way to have a relationship except what works for each of us, right? Yes, it may be based on cultural indoctrination but it’s still a valid relationship strategy if it works for you and you’re comfortable.
Right?
So, what's the new fight about? Soulmates, apparently. And boy do I have something to say about THEM!