Soon Yesterday Becomes Today and Tomorrow Never Comes.
There is a certain type of person who lives in the past. When fights occur, things done days, months, even years in the past are brought as accusation. They lend themselves to the anger of the moment and punishment can be meted. You might be thinking this certain type of person is "woman"; you would be wrong.
I am a very present-oriented person. I know how I feel now, at this moment. Perhaps I can think of what's occured over the past week...sometimes the past month. I do not care or consider what happened months ago when making decisions. I do not bring up what happened last week that made me mad, when arguing, unless it is an example of a repeated behaviour that is the focus of the discussion. I do not care if you never call me, if we're discussing the fact that you're always late, for example (obviously an example as I hate talking on the phone). This might seem, to people confused by the stereotypical "woman's argument" of constant reminders of failure, to be a godsend. This is not the case. Because while I will not remember the bad things you've done, neither will I remember the good. Oh, joy, that if I haven't been taken to dinner this month I will complain that I -never- get taken to dinner, never mind C Restaurant just last month. (Specific, yes. This is the closest you're getting to an apology, you-know-who-you-are.)
But the other part of this little time-dilation of mine is that I am FEARFUL of the future. I do not like to plan for it. I do not like to think on it...and when I do think on it it's in the most negative way possible. It's not a stunted adolescence type thing, I don't think. (There's plenty of other evidence for that!) It's simply that I am always striving to make my present as pleasant as possible (notice the "hedonist" in the label up there?) that I can't think how change could possibly be a good thing...even if it's success! I know I should be planning how to get into grad school. I know I should at least be planning what to do if I don't get in right away. But I'm not. I can barely focus on the paper that I have due in three days (no worries, it's all written in my head.) I know I should enjoy the time I have with friends, without concerning myself as to whether our friendship will change for the worse if things alter right now. If I don't call someone for days it's often because I'm afraid that I haven't called them in a while (remember the selective past memory?) and they'll be upset. It's Schrodinger's Friendship...if you don't call there's as much possibility that they're not mad as that they are. It goes for relationships, too. I do not like them to change. Even in the best ways possible, I know it's always the worst thing I can do. Luckily I'm also a romantic, so after digging in my boot heels I still fall head over heals or the equivalent.
What I'm saying is, the past is a distant memory, the future should never arrive, and the present that I have is pretty damned awesome. Thanks, every single one of you around, that make it that way.
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